[Filtered to Dean]

This is filtered to you. It has been a long time since I could access a computer. I hope we will have the chance to speak soon. I miss you and hope you are well.

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

I miss Dean. What's making it even worse is that he's not really himself now. I want to say hello and I'm forbidden to do even that.

I just miss him. I miss everything about him.

There is so much to do, and all I want is to crawl back into Dean's arms and feel his heart beating.

Sleep well.

Castiel

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

I have lied to Dean and Sam to get their help. I do not like this. But it was necessary, and I will explain later. I hope they will understand.

Alastair is near. I can smell him in the air. He has hidden himself so well, though, it's like chasing vapors.

Sam and Dean must help. They must.

Sleep well,

Castiel

[Filtered to Anna]

Anna. You have said you are here if I need to talk. This is what I need to say.

I love Dean Winchester. Not just as my charge, not just as a child of our Father, but as one man to another. And now I have disappointed him and he will not forgive me.

I know that you and he had sex. It pains me to know this. However, I also know that sex is what happens when mortals desire comfort, and the longer we wear a mortal body the easier it is to feel and need and ache like they do. And Dean is . . . Dean. Unlike any other.

Now I am afraid that when he needs my help, Dean will not listen. And when I need him, he will not respond.

That is all I need to say.

Dear Jimmy,

I think he's deliberately trying to hurt me when he posts things like this.

I can't talk about it to anyone but you. And you're not listening. Even if you were, what would you say?

I just miss him. I miss him. I am far from home and I miss my love, and no one can say anything to make it better.

Sleep well.

Castiel

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

All of humanity--all of it--has less importance to me now than one man.

Sleep well,

Castiel

[Private Entry]

Zachariah, I'm done. I'm finished. I can't do this anymore. Please. Tell me I'm finished now. Punish me, demote me, I don't care. I want to go home. I just want to go home.

[Private Entry]

They're after her.

And now, so are we.



I don't want to explain this to Dean.

[Filtered to Sam]

Sam, is Dean posting drunk?

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

The first of Dean's tests will take place this weekend.

I have no doubt he will do what he feels is right . . . what I fear is what he feels is right is not what My Father wants him to do. Uriel has no confidence in him, of course. Uriel has seen the ugly side of humanity too many times. I will try to get him to behave, though. There is too much at stake for Dean to be manipulated or intimidated into the wrong decision.

I am praying for Dean and Sam. I am praying very hard.

Sleep well.

Castiel.

Tell me what makes you happy.

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

Resolve, apparently, is useless when it comes to Dean. I have no desire to keep my distance, no desire not to touch him.

It's strange, touch. It's so simple but feels so good. I don't know how to catalog all these feelings, the physical and the emotional. I go from being joyous and happy to wallowing in my loneliness and distance from one moment to the next. From what I read, this is typical teenage behavior. I hope I get over it soon. I don't like it.

I miss the days when I knew what to expect from myself, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade the pleasure of being with Dean for all of Solomon's kingdom. He says I am frustrating. He has no idea how right he is.

Sleep well.

Castiel.

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

Forgive me. I was not prepared for how strong desire can be.

I look to you as an example: you loved your wife deeply and passionately, and I have thought, were I love someone, it would be like that. But you also made it seem simple, and it is not.

I am glad to lose myself in battle. Better to fight than to dwell on what never was and never will be.

Sleep well.

Castiel

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

He does not love me.

Sleep well.

Castiel

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

I always thought love between mortals was a simple thing, and pale in comparison to God's love for His creation.

I am learning this is not the case.

When I look at your memories of life with your wife, I think what I feel is envy. You loved her in a way I'm only beginning to comprehend--never mind the kind of love that drives a man to sacrifice himself for his brother, which I thought I understood as well, though now I wonder if I hadn't regarded it with a condescension it doesn't deserve. I think we angels are often guilty at looking down our noses at mortals: "Well, they try, the little dears."

I love the Winchester brothers--and all the mortals I've met so far on this quest to keep the world turning--because they are belong to God. But I am also beginning to think my love for Dean is becoming something I'm quite unprepared for, and there is no one I can talk to who can help me make sense of it. If I confessed this to my brothers I would be sent away, I'm certain of it, and perhaps more.

(Though I can't help but think there was a plan of some kind behind me being sent to pull him out, as if my Father knew I would not be able to just leave him be. How to make certain I keep watch over Dean Winchester? Make him irresistible to me. I think the term "Machiavellian" fits here.)

I sometimes wish we could talk. I may erase all of these when I go, but I think sometimes I ought to leave them so you have my full confession.

Sleep well.

Castiel

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

I have met children. One of them gave me a birthday. However, she said she was an alien so I don't know if this is normal behavior for children or not.

It is time to teach Dean more of his past. It is our hope that once he understands everything we know about his family and Azazel's interest in them, he will also be more willing to undertake the work we have for him.

Unfortunately, I can't go into more detail with him yet. Soon, I hope.

Sleep well.

Castiel.

Dean, I hope you had a good birthday.

Happy birthday to you too, Jounouchi.

[Private Entry]

Dear Jimmy,

Humanity is very strange. I thought the news that God has work for Dean would bring him joy: instead it makes him angry. I suppose that is mostly his guilt over what he did in Hell, but still, it's difficult to know how to handle.

He is not like you. I wish I could ask for your advice, though. I suspect you would understand him better than I.

As for the others . . . it is discouraging. Two thousand years has only served to make people hostile to the idea of faith rather than taking comfort in it. I am not certain what steps to take now: I may merely continue watching for a while. Their knowing my true nature will not help matters at this point. Perhaps not at any point.


Sleep well.

Castiel